So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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