my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
