Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
