My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Randomize
