dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
