have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
