I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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