I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
