Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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