we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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