You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
