I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
