when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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