I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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