the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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