Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
