the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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