First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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