allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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