So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
