I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
