i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
