I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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