The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Randomize
