Your dad touched me again.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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