the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
