I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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