so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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