2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
