If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
