Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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