I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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