Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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