If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The best revenge is premature balding
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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