i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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