Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
