I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
