I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
