I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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