If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
