you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
