i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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