Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
