the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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