Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
