I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
