yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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