Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
3 2 1 whiskey
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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