Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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