My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
